The Magnificent Archibalds Reloaded
by lokiyan
Summary: My version of what should have happened in this episode. Written a few days ago in a hurry in class but didn't post it here yet. Because honestly? Vanessa? The Archibald FBI storyline belonged to CBN. Reviews are obviously appreciated :


Disclaimer: I still don't, and will never, own anything.

A/N: I don't mind Vanessa, but seriously? This belonged to CBN. This is written in present tense, first person (Blair's) POV, which is something I haven't done in forever so please bear with me.

The Magnificent Archibalds (Reloaded)

"Miss Waldorf?" Great. A sketchy man waiting for me outside my building is the last thing I need after realizing that mother lumps me together with a whole group of strangers who I apparently have to call _family_. God, I didn't bribe Emma's mom. I tried to be nice to Cyrus. Why are you still punishing me?

"No, I don't want to subscribe to The New Stalker, thank you." How long could it possibly take for Dorota to put on a coat? The woman could put together a breakfast platter worthy of a queen in a minute flat but it takes her forever to put on a coat?

"It's about Nate Archibald." What? Has Gossip Girl expanded her demographic to creepy middle aged men? Oh, I am so going to get my - ugh - future stepfather to sue for every penny that nosy skank is worth.

"Sir, I know he's very pretty and you might want to dish some gossip on him, but if you've been keeping up with the site, you would know that the two of us aren't really friends anymore. Maybe you should pick up a Page Six for your... hobby instead. You might find the lingo more accessible."

He shakes his head with a chuckle. He better not be laughing at me. My life is enough of a joke as it is, dwarf now included. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood, Ms. Waldorf." His hand reaches for his pocket and oh my God, I'm going to die here, gunned down in front of my heavily guarded luxury building. Oh thank you, it's a leather flip cover instead. "I'm with the FBI."

Oh sh-

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"Waldorf, I didn't know you were into threesomes. You should've told me. The possibilities - "

Ew. Ignore him, Blair. Just walk straight to the kitchenette.

"Shut up, Chuck. I called you here for a reason." Because really, as if I would voluntarily step foot into such dangerous territory as the infamous suite 1812.

"Clearly. Now when did you trade Dorota in for the Man in Black?"

I grab myself a Pellegrino to wave off the panic attack coming on. Oh effing - I broke my nail! How awfully cliche. "I don't have time for your jokes, Chuck!"

"Don't strain yourself, Waldorf." That's better. When things are back to normal, when I officially rule Constance once again, he can be my bottle opener. After screaming at the FBI in the car for the past 10 minutes, I needed that. "Drinking from the bottle. What's wrong with you?" I glare at him and no, I'm not at all getting a little hot and bothered by the way he's looking at my exposed neck because Grace Kelly would most definitely be able to retain a bit of self control. Grace Kelly Grace Kelly Grace - "Look, all your cryptic text said was that I was supposed to meet you here. Before that, you told me that you and Dorota were making a break for it and now here you are, with Will Smith and maid-less - "

"The-Captain-is-here-to-kidnap-Nate-and-his-mom-to-get-money-from-the-Vanderbilts!" Nice job keeping you cool, Grace Kelly.

"Come again?" I repeat it again, with the details this time about how the FBI is incompetent enough to not find and prevent my ex-boyfriend from getting kidnapped even though Manhattan is one _tiny _little island! "There are too many heists today," he breaths. Wha-you know what? I don't want to know.

"So yes. I ditched Dorota. Wandering around the Upper East Side a la Jane Austen is going to have to wait. The question is what are we going to do?"

"We get him here, and we talk." Talk? Who is this and what did he do with Chuck Bass? Whatever, I'll put up with it, I guess.

"How are we supposed to do that exactly? Allow me to remind you that he hates us and would never come _here_ of all places."

"He doesn't hate you. Noble Nate loves to play Prince Charming and no one can play a damsel in distress for him better than you, my dear." I look at the hotel phone in his hand and sigh. Nate Archibald, even when I'm not dating you, you're exhausting.

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He must be angrier at Chuck than I thought if it takes him 6 times to pick up the call. "Damn it, Chuck. Stop calling, I don't have the time for-"

"Nate?" Think sad, scary thoughts, Blair. Dead puppies. Thirift stores. Salvation Army. Bendel's shutting down. Mother and Cyrus having babi-oh now I think I'm going to be sick.

"Blair/ What the hell are you doing there? I thought you guys were on a break."

Serena dethroning me. Crazy ho Georgina have sex with Chuck in the sixth - "I need help." I roll my eyes because obviously, I do not need Chuck's approving nod to tell me that I'm selling it. I'm actually starting to tear up.

"Blair, B - don't cry. What happened? Are you okay?"

"I-I just wanted to go - to go for some cider a-and this man just grabbed me. He sprayed something in my eyes and I-I can't see anything. I-I don't know where I am but I just heard him leave a minute ago. I found the phone cord and just remember your number a-and-"

"Blair, sweetheart. Stay right where you are, okay? I'll be there in one second." There is a quick scrambling noise, clatters that only happen to golden boy Nate when he's upset and I can picture him, worried and scrambling all over the place. "Just hold on, B." Now I'm getting upset. When did it get so hard to lie?

The final line - "Nate, hurry. I'm scared." I can hear his footsteps on the pavement and next - the dial tone. Take a deep breath an dget a hold of yourself, Blair. You're fine. You're perfectly -

"Audrey would have been proud." Of course, Chuck _would_ carry a handkerchief around. I hand it back to him, now stained with mascara that I know, from experience, will never wash off.

"You two are sure Archibald will show?" Finally, Mr. No-help-at-all-FBi speaks. If Chuck didn't run a quick background check to make sure he's legit I wouldn't trust him for a second with Nate.

"Surprisingly yes." Because genuinely, I am surprised - and touched - that he still cares.

"You had doubts?"

"You didn't?" Honestly. Even Chuck Bass can't be that confident with his schemes.

"A decade long relationship doesn't just go away, Blair." I raise my eyebrows at him. Do we really need to go over the list of women Nate's been with since me? "His flings hardly last more than a week. You were his sweet, devoted girlfriend for years."

"You don't know, Chuck. The way he looks at me now... after everything. I don't regret it, but he just... he looks at me different. Like he's always disappointed or something."

Chuck's hands are soft when he holds onto mine and his eyes... "A lot of people love you more than you give them credit for." He tucks a loose strand behind my ear - a very un-Chuck thing to do. "And they would give up the world for you."

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I have never seen anyone actually break a door off its hinges before and Nate has never looked more like a movie star than he does now. Of course, _he_ would go barge right in by himself. Chuck would have done some room-service scheme that involved his army of private investigators that I'm sure he has, no matter how he tries to deny it. But Nate, Nate doesn't even think before he pulls me to him and murmurs into my hair. "I got you, B."

Now I really feel like I kicked a sick puppy into a sales rack at Macy's. "I'm fine, Nate." He holds me at arm's distance to inspect me for injuries as though he would know what to do even if he found anything.

Of course, Chuck, with his impeccable timing, comes grazing in from the other room. "Nathaniel. Could I interest you in a Pellegrino?" This could not possibly end well.

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Anne shakes like a jackhammer as Nate and my ex-future-father-in-law say their goodbyes. The captain had looked at me earlier and said, "take good care of my son."

I looked at Chuck and Nate, both of whom had been talking with Anne and another agent about paperwork and answered, truthfully for once, "we take care of our own, sir." He offered me a smile and a fatherly pat on the head. It screwed up my hair, but I'm sure my make-up isn't exactly impeccable now either.

Chuck stands next to Nate, a hand on his shoulder while Nate supports his mother in the case of another breakdown. My arm is tired from holding the flashlight while Anne signs the last of the papers, but I did consider this woman my future mother-in-law once and that little piece of conscience I gained has its claws in my soul. Yet another reason to hate Cyrus. I suppose it's all the same. Seven o'clock. They're probably all enjoying turkey at their stupid restaurant dinner, completely ignorant of my absence.

"You guys don't have to stay. It's Thanksgiving and you should be with your family..."

"Shut up, Archibald. We already are." I'm not sure if their rekindled bromance is adorable or sickening. Well, at least it's not Serena and my stepbrother's level of sickening.

"Blair?" It's nice to have Nate treat me like a human being again instead of the vindictive ex of decades past.

"Yes Blair, I'm sure Eleanor must be worried sick about you. You really don't have to stay, dear." Anne looks fragile, pale, and all cried out. I can't help but sympathize.

I shrug. "It's fine. Daddy's not here. Mom's marrying a gnome and probably isn't going to let me know until the wedding itself and I'm sure my presence isn't exactly missed."

The boys share a look. I hate it when they do that. Always have, always will. Chuck finally turns to me. Nice to know they remember I'm still in the room. "Check your phone. Waldorf."

I do. 48 missed calls. 27 voice messages. All right, that was a bit more than I expected. 7:05... they might not have left for Gramercy Tavern yet... "I'll have Arthur pull the limo around."

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"So... what are you guys up to now?" Damn wind tunnels in New York. Nate takes off his jacket for me out of habit and I shove it away. He's only wearing a t-shirt underneath, but he won't have any of it. Chuck takes _his_ jacket off and hands it to Nate and now I'm confused and more than a little disturbed. "What? I'm not giving up my jacket. It's Dior and you guys will stretch it out."

"Well, I'm probably going to hang out with my mom. I don't want to leave her alone. In the dark and all."

"I'll hang around here. Bart's off doing... something or another because apparently, the fam had a fight."

"Is Serena okay?" Well, as okay as she can be with an indecisive womanizer.... my stepbrother, whatever.

"I think so. She's probably with your stepbrother, actually. Lily and Eric are at some random diner." How dysfunctional can our families get?

"You know, if this thing between Aaron and Serena works out, you guys will be like, step-step siblings." I hate Nate Archibald. Did I mention that?

"Well, as I have mentioned to Serena before - the family that plays together, stays together." If I had a purse, I would whack him with it. For now, though I will have to settle.

"Disregarding that note, how does Thanksgiving dinner at the Gramercy Tavern sound?"

"Blair, we couldn't - "

"Nate. Your mother should be around people right now and the Rose's don't know anything about your dad so it's fine. Besides, apparently, my favorite is on the menu - "

"Oyster stuffing. We know." I swear they're having a relationship behiind all of our backs.

"But really, you guys should come. And you too, Chuck. Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday and you are not spending it with your booze and porn." Because yes, I know him _that_ well.

"When you put it that way..."

"...how can we resist. Let me get my mom." It's nice to see Archibald run back into his house. _His_ house.

"Seriously. Chuck. You and Nate, very disgustingly adorable, but the whole finishing-each-other's-sentence-you-complete-me thiing has to stop. Now let me think. Serena's already at my place I'm guessing, so... Call Lily and Eric, Chuck. I remember that diner. I think salmonella is actually on the menu."

"Texting as we speak."

"Oh, and Bart too." That caught their attention. "We'll just seat him far, far away from Lily. Don't worry about it."

"But... it's Bart."

"No one should be alone on Thanksgiving, Chuck. Besides, if you don't keep an eye on your father, who knows what he'll do behind your back." I shrug it off, but I've heard the stories from Serena - how they've been spending more time together. He nods. I love being right.

The Archibalds (I love thinking that without a cringe now) come back out to meet us just as the limo pulls up. "Are you sure this is all right, Blair? You're inviting an awful lot of people to your family's Thanksgiving dinner." Oh Anne never changes, does she? Hesitating when you _know_ she's dying to go.

"It's fine, Mrs. Archibald. If Cyrus gets to bring a whole bunch of strangers in as family, it's only right that they should meet my dysfunctional, Upper East Side one."

"The family that plays together-" Another thing that feels good - kicking Chuck in the shin when he deserves it... which is always.

"That reminds me. No alcohol tonight. Aaron is apparently a recovering AA."

"I hate your future stepbrother."

"He's not allowed near sis."

My mother finally texts me back after I texted her the addendum to our guest list five whole minutes ago. Apparently, there's a surprise waiting for me. Well, we'll see...

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A/N: I'm a sucker for a happy ending. That and I'm too tired to think of a wittier ending right now.


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